One Step Closer, Two Steps Back
by JenCollins1
Summary: Dan and Phil had a massive argument, a bit bigger than usual. But when anger runs out, guilt and pain settle down. How will they fix things? Who will be the first one to take a step? Co-written with amazing @WordsAblaze


p dir="ltr"- Go fuck yourself, Phillip! - Dan yelled in anger, slamming his bedroom door shut, making the walls tremble with the force he'd used./p  
p dir="ltr"It made Phil jump because he knew that Dan was far behind the line of casual anger and that all the force that had been used against the door could have been used against him./p  
p dir="ltr"He didn't even remember why they'd started arguing, to be honest, but things had just escalated far too quickly and now he was left staring at a closed door./p  
p dir="ltr"He debated with himself whether or not to open the door but chose not to, not wanting to anger Dan even further. Instead, he knocked softly. - Dan? Can I come in? -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Come in? - Dan spat with pure venom. - To do what? Humiliate me even more?! Laugh about me? Tell me some more stuff? Go ahead, talk to the fucking doors while they are still there! -/p  
p dir="ltr"Anger was radiating in waves from Dan, even through the closed door./p  
p dir="ltr"Right when Dan had finished yelling back at Phil, there was a big breaking noise, making Phil jump again. Then another, louder, harder noise followed./p  
p dir="ltr"Truth be told, Phil was scared. He knew Dan was upset but, when he was this angry, it was hard to tell what would happen next. He wanted to go inside and just sit with Dan until everything went back to normal but he knew that couldn't happen if Dan had already reached the level of anger where he was breaking things./p  
p dir="ltr"Taking a breath, he went to knock again, just as something slammed against the door, making it shake./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil's eyes widened and he backed away, hitting the wall behind him after a while, not sure of what to do./p  
p dir="ltr"Glass was breaking, cutting the air in half./p  
p dir="ltr"Silent cursing was just about heard, yet another loud thump was heard, then there was deathly silence./p  
p dir="ltr"The only thing Phil could hear was his own racing heart. He exhaled slowly, inching forwards again./p  
p dir="ltr"- Dan? - he asked nervously, still standing a good distance away./p  
p dir="ltr"The only reply he got was something hitting the door and the sound of a small crack. Phil winced, knowing that they'd have to get that fixed later./p  
p dir="ltr"- Okay, so that's a no… - he mumbled to himself, raking a hand through his hair and walking back to the kitchen, trying to figure out what to do./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan was sitting down between the scattered glass, anger fading away with every drop of blood seeping from his hand./p  
p dir="ltr"And then the tears fell, heavy and hot, washing away his cold facade./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan was hurt, he hadn't meant to argue with Phil but then Phil just pushed and pushed and pushed until Dan had broken, pulling his cold facade up./p  
p dir="ltr"He hated to argue with Phil, it hurt him more than actual things being thrown at him./p  
p dir="ltr"The shattered glass around him looked as sad as it did beautiful, it was from some of the vases he'd put flowers in - the flowers Phil had gotten for him - and the terrariums he'd been nurturing for weeks./p  
p dir="ltr"He felt bad breaking them but it felt worse to hear Phil's nervous, almost fearful voice asking for him. All Dan wanted to do now was go to Phil, go to him and explain that he hadn't meant to shout, but he didn't have any energy left to move./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan felt empty and yet full of pain at the same time. He wanted to apologize and pull Phil into his arms but he was so damn tired of always taking the first step, he was so damn tired of always being the one who apologizes first and forgives everything./p  
p dir="ltr"For once, he chose not to, he chose to let it hurt, hurt till it doesn't hurt anymore. So he lay down, not caring about the glass cutting into his skin, and closed his eyes, letting his tears mix together with the still-hot blood coming out of his deeply cut hand./p  
p dir="ltr"He was tired of everything./p  
p dir="ltr"So he closed his eyes, letting the hurt overcome him, pushing down the voices, pushing down all the thoughts, pushing down the sound of blood, pushing down all the other feelings, pushing down everything else but the hurt./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil was hurting too, but he wasn't bleeding or lying down. He was staring at a glass of water, swirling the glass and watching the way the water made a little tornado./p  
p dir="ltr"He did that for a few minutes, until his legs went numb, at which point he walked back and sat outside Dan's room, not sure if the silence meant Dan was still angry or asleep or something else./p  
p dir="ltr"Only when he recognised the copper-like, metallic scent of blood did he jump up, dropping the glass, knocking on Dan's door before shaking his head and just walking in, fearing the worst./p  
p dir="ltr"At that point, Dan didn't even hear anything at all, he was too deep inside his mind, too out of the world, tears still mixing together with blood from the cuts, painting his face like a weird piece of art./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil stood still for a moment, shocked./p  
p dir="ltr"For a horrifying moment, he thought Dan was dead./p  
p dir="ltr"Then he saw that tears were still escaping Dan's eyes and he breathed a small sigh of relief. He didn't pay attention to any glass he stepped on as he made his way to Dan, kneeling beside him, taking his hand and gently wiping away the worst of the blood./p  
p dir="ltr"- Dan? Dan, hey, come on, you're bleeding, - Phil whispered, trying to pull him up without hurting injuring him any further./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan didn't respond, only sighed softly./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil sighed and swallowed as he looked around the room, deciding he might as well push aside the glass so that, when Dan was comfortable moving, he would be able to get up without hurting himself again./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan felt awake by simply feeling Phil's touch on his skin, but he forced himself to stay down, not allowing his urge to throw himself into Phil's hands to win./p  
p dir="ltr"Not this time./p  
p dir="ltr"This time he wouldn't be weak. This time he would stay strong./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan pulled his hand out of Phil's touch, pulling it closer to himself.l/p  
p dir="ltr"Phil frowned at Dan but he kept going, pushing aside all the glass, not paying attention to whether or not he was stepping on it. He just made sure the middle of the room was empty and safe before going back to Dan's side./p  
p dir="ltr"- Dan? - he asked again, - Can you hear me? -/p  
p dir="ltr"Dan could, but he wasn't about to tell Phil that, so he stayed still, pretending not to hear at all./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan felt anger flame once again, at how stupid Phil thought he was, just coming here right after like nothing had happened./p  
p dir="ltr"He was about to say something when Phil started talking./p  
p dir="ltr"- Dan, I know you, I know you can hear me. I can see your fingers moving… But I get it, you don't want to talk to me. Will you let me clean your hands, please? You're still bleeding and I don't want it to get infected… -/p  
p dir="ltr"Dan just pulled his hands under himself, hiding them from Phil./p  
p dir="ltr"A frustrated sigh escaped Phil before he could stop it. He immediately felt guilty but he didn't know what else to do. They were both just there, in the middle of the room, surrounded by blood and glass and glass covered in blood./p  
p dir="ltr"Eventually, he got up and rooted around until he found their first-aid kit. When he returned to Dan's side, he cleared his throat. - You don't have to do anything, just let me wrap a bandage around your hands, please? -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Fuck off. - Dan growled, already moving to the bed, now facing the window./p  
p dir="ltr"It took Phil a moment to register that Dan was gone, that he'd moved, but then he just stood up and folded his arms, ignoring the spike of pain in his feet./p  
p dir="ltr"- Daniel Howell, I swear, if you don't let me bandage your hands right this minute, I will… - Phil bit his lip, not even sure what he'd do./p  
p dir="ltr"- Do what? Make me? Go ahead! - Dan spat out, not turning around./p  
p dir="ltr"- No, - Phil replied quietly, - I think I might cry. I don't want you to be hurt… I'm sorry, I don't know why I argued with you, just… Let me help you? -/p  
p dir="ltr"Dan was silent for a moment, then he just stretched his cut hand out, still not looking at Phil as punishment for him, not letting him see Dan's eyes./p  
p dir="ltr"Still, Phil smiled. He wiped his palms, and the little droplets of blood from where he'd nicked his skin clearing away the glass, on his trousers and picked out a damp wipe, gently cleaning Dan's cuts, before slowly, carefully washing away all the blood and wiping a bit of antiseptic on them./p  
p dir="ltr"- You're hurt. - Dan pulled Phil's hand into his, sitting up, starting to clean Phil's hand. - You're an idiot. You should look where you put your hands and where you go. -/p  
p dir="ltr"Phil shrugged. - It's fine, my hands and feet can wait, you're hurt worse than I am. - Phil took his hand back before pulling out a bandage and gently wrapping the fabric around Dan's hands, his own fingers brushing Dan's skin as he did so./p  
p dir="ltr"He only let go of Dan when the cut was covered and his hands weren't bleeding anymore./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan pulled Phil down onto the bed, pulling his trousers off, sliding his fingers over his legs to see where Phil had cut himself./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil winced but still tried to push Dan away. - It's fine, Dan. It's more important that I tell you I'm sorry, I really am, and I hope you'll still be able to forgive me? -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Can you shut up already? - Dan started to clean all the small cuts, putting Phil's legs over his shoulders and, in the process, ending up in a position that looked like they were having sex./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil blushed. - Dan, I don't think this is the most effective way to clean cuts. -/p  
p dir="ltr"- What? I need to see if there is any cuts on your feet. - Dan wasn't even realizing the pose they were already in and how close they were, still sliding his hands over Phil's legs to see if he had missed any cuts./p  
p dir="ltr"Now, Phil laughed. - Dan, stop for a second and look at the position we're in… -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Why are you always so annoying? - Dan growled before looking down, shutting up right away, realization hitting him, his eyes widening./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil raised an eyebrow. - I'm kind of glad you're not a doctor, I think your patients would get really distracted… -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Well, at least I didn't miss any cuts. - Dan sucked his bottom lip between his teeth./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil's breath hitched. - Yeah… Right.. But I think you missed one. - he winked before saying: - It's on my tongue, want to kiss it better, Doctor Howell? -/p  
p dir="ltr"- Then let me put some medicine on it, - Dan murmured, leaning down over Phil, ready to kiss him but keeping away for a bit longer./p  
p dir="ltr"It didn't work though. Before he knew what was happening, Phil lifted himself up and rolled them over so he was staring down at Dan./p  
p dir="ltr"- That sounds good but you didn't answer my question. Are we okay? - he asked softly, sincerely./p  
p dir="ltr"- Did you really need to ruin the mood? - Dan sighed, ready to push Phil off himself./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil grabbed his arms, shaking his head. "There can't be a mood before there's an us. I need to know Dan, are you okay? Please? -/p  
p dir="ltr"- No, Phil. No. I am not. Happy now? - Dan was starting to get a bit annoyed but not even close to how angry he was earlier./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil's gaze softened. "What can I do to help? - he asked, rubbing Dan's arms soothingly before pulling them both up so they were sat opposite each other./p  
p dir="ltr"- Shut up and kiss me. - Dan growled, rolling his eyes./p  
p dir="ltr"Hesitating for only a second, Phil nodded, lunging forwards and pressing their lips together, making them both fall back so they were lying down again./p  
p dir="ltr"Dan pulled Phil even closer by moving a hand into his hair, deepening the kiss./p  
p dir="ltr"Phil did the same, one hand around Dan's waist and the other cradling the back of his head. He let them press so close together, they might as well have been one person./p  
p dir="ltr"- I hate you… - Dan mumbled into their kiss, melting away, fully in love./p  
p dir="ltr" /p  
p dir="ltr"- I love you too, - Phil murmured back, smiling too hard to stop it./p 


End file.
